Ministry of Foreign Affairs
Pakistan
The following is the text of a briefing on the recent tragic events in
Abbottabad given by the official spokesman to the international media:
"How could we not have known where OBL was? As you know, there are
known knowns and unknown knowns. You do know that, don't you? There
are things we know we know, like which side of our naan is buttered.
Ghee actually: clarified butter. We like things to be clarified,
which is what we're doing now. But there are other things that we
don't know we know. These are things buried deep in the rubble of our
subconscious, like the Mossad agents under the debris of the twin
towers they brought down. So we didn't know that we knew where OBL
was. Or didn't know when we were asked if we knew.
When we said OBL wasn't in Pakistan we weren't lying. You just don't
understand how tough a neighbourhood we live in. None of our borders
is settled. Afghanistan claims Pakhtunkhwa, the Indians won't give us
Kashmir, we've given up part of the Northern Areas to China . We just
don't know where Pakistan begins and where it ends. Honestly. And it's
a canard to say that Britain is girdled by the sea, Pakistan by the
C-in-C. Or that India runs from coast to coast, Pakistan from COAS to
COAS. Hindu libels. OK? Truth is we didn't know Abbottabad was in
Pakistan .
How could we? Abbottabad? In a pure Muslim country? A town that
sounds like an abbey? I ask you. Of course we thought it didn't belong
to us. Would we have kept calling it Abbottabad if we'd known it was
ours? These old colonial names are like pork; we don't want to put
them in our mouths. We turned Lyallpur into Faisalabad , the Lawrence
Gardens into the Bagh-e-Jinnah. We'd have given Abbottabad a good
Muslim name, something like Oblistan, if we thought it belonged to us.
Why did the Pakistan Army have its academy and so many establishments
there then? You know how our Army is. It keeps going into places that
don't belong to Pakistan . It's a tradition it started in 1947.
Doesn't mean that because the Pakistan Army's there it's part of
Pakistan .
But the Americans did find OBL there and kill him and the Pakistan
Army was all around him. So how did the Army not know when the
Americans did? But of course we knew he was there, but we knew him as
Abu Abdullah. If you'd asked us, Do you know where Abu Abdullah is,
we'd have told you. You never did. We wonder why. Was it to make
Pakistan look bad later? You didn't know that he was called Abu
Abdullah? How could you not have known? You expect us to believe
that?
We also thought he was dead. Earlier, well before the Americans
arrived. Why? Because over the last five years we've delivered well
over 72 virgins to that house. So we thought he'd been martyred
already.
We didn't know Abu Abdullah was a Saudi Sheikh. Crescent my heart and
hope to dye, like our President does. We knew OBL was a Saudi Sheikh,
but they only come to Pakistan in the winter to hunt for the houbara.
Bastards in full hawk after bustards. They don't go to Abbottabad,
they go straight to Rahim Yar Khan, so that's where we looked out for
him. All the doctors who treat the young boys there the morning after
are ISI agents, and have asked each one of them if they felt something
holy had entered them the night before. The Sheikh is, as you know, a
holy man. But, alas, they all said that there was nothing holy about
what had been done to them.
We thought we'd dropped enough hints about where Abu Abdullah was.
Abu, abbot - the same root. We said he was a holy man, you said he was
a bad man, so he was a common oxymoron, a bad holy man. That's why we
kept him in Abbot-a-bad. We thought you'd have understood. Where
would you find a malignant evangelist? Churchill. A promiscuous
prioress? Nuneaton . Not our fault if the penny didn't drop. Which
reminds us: could you spare a dime?
Why? Because we are one of the countries hit hardest by global
warming. That's what the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change
says, though it's run by an Indian. And it's happening faster than
anyone anticipated. First the Americans warming up with the baniyas,
and now seals in Abbottabad. What next? We need billions fast. At
least give us the 25 million you put on OBL's head. If we hadn't
looked after him, he'd have died shivering in a cave in Tora-Bora, no
one would have found him, and you wouldn't have been able to pull off
this stunt. So be grateful. That's all we ask.
And now of course you've killed him while he was saying his sehri
prayers. Yes, yes, that's why he didn't have a gun with him. You
know what this means of course. The US President has holy blood on
his hands. Obama sin laden. And then we're told that OBL was taken
out to Carl bin Son and dropped into the sea: that's a giveaway. How
can this Carl be the son of his son? Nonsense. These last rites
carried out in such indecent haste: we know where his body is. He's
been taken to Canter-bury. That's where meddling priests are quickly
buried, aren't they?
Of course we saw the helicopters coming in. Our radar system is the
best in the world. In 1998, just before we tested our bombs, we saw
Israeli ground-attack planes on tarmacs in India that no one else
could see, and told the UN. Ask the Indians if you don't believe us.
So why didn't we shoot the helicopters down? Well you see, like the
rest of you, we knew that Will and Kate hadn't announced where they
were going to honeymoon, and we thought this might be them coming in
on the quiet to give the slip to the paparazzi. Can't blame us, can
you? Abbottabad seems like the sort of place that someone who'd just
been dubbed the Baron Carrickfergus might wish to escape to. (They
can still come, you know. There's a des-res with all the mod-cons
that's just come on the market. Has its own helipad. Lovely place to
get away from it all.)
And of course we knew there was something going on at the compound
that night. You really believe that the ISI wouldn't know if there
was a firefight raging half a mile from our military academy in
Abbottabad, even if we thought that it wasn't in Pakistan . We had a
secure two-way link with Abu Abdullah that the Americans never picked
up. Two empty non-alcoholic beer cans with the tops cut out and tied
with string. So when the Americans came through the door, we heard
him yelling "May Day, May Day". Why didn't we help? Well at first we
thought he was stating the obvious; we knew it was May Day. Then
someone said he was probably speaking in Bengali and asking for girls,
but it was quite late and we didn't think we'd find any.
Why would he be speaking in Bengali? Well you know he has had time
hanging heavy on his hands, and might have wanted to pick up a foreign
language. Besides, this is the 150th birth anniversary of
Rabindranath Tagore, if you didn't know, and OBL looked so like him
that all the jihadis from Bangladesh would fall at his feet and call
him Gurudev. Maybe, who knows, he'd started to believe that he was a
reincarnation. Utterly Hindu of course, and no wonder he got his just
desserts.
Yes, and OF COURSE we picked up the yells of "Geronimo EKIA". You know
it's an Indian name. That's what the Americans say. Always knew he was
an Indian, that bastard. And you know what the SEALs actually
reported, don't you? They said "26/11 Geronimo ne kia". 9/11, 26/11,
all Indian plots. Thank god our good friends the Americans now know
the truth. We've known it all along."
Pakistan
The following is the text of a briefing on the recent tragic events in
Abbottabad given by the official spokesman to the international media:
"How could we not have known where OBL was? As you know, there are
known knowns and unknown knowns. You do know that, don't you? There
are things we know we know, like which side of our naan is buttered.
Ghee actually: clarified butter. We like things to be clarified,
which is what we're doing now. But there are other things that we
don't know we know. These are things buried deep in the rubble of our
subconscious, like the Mossad agents under the debris of the twin
towers they brought down. So we didn't know that we knew where OBL
was. Or didn't know when we were asked if we knew.
When we said OBL wasn't in Pakistan we weren't lying. You just don't
understand how tough a neighbourhood we live in. None of our borders
is settled. Afghanistan claims Pakhtunkhwa, the Indians won't give us
Kashmir, we've given up part of the Northern Areas to China . We just
don't know where Pakistan begins and where it ends. Honestly. And it's
a canard to say that Britain is girdled by the sea, Pakistan by the
C-in-C. Or that India runs from coast to coast, Pakistan from COAS to
COAS. Hindu libels. OK? Truth is we didn't know Abbottabad was in
Pakistan .
How could we? Abbottabad? In a pure Muslim country? A town that
sounds like an abbey? I ask you. Of course we thought it didn't belong
to us. Would we have kept calling it Abbottabad if we'd known it was
ours? These old colonial names are like pork; we don't want to put
them in our mouths. We turned Lyallpur into Faisalabad , the Lawrence
Gardens into the Bagh-e-Jinnah. We'd have given Abbottabad a good
Muslim name, something like Oblistan, if we thought it belonged to us.
Why did the Pakistan Army have its academy and so many establishments
there then? You know how our Army is. It keeps going into places that
don't belong to Pakistan . It's a tradition it started in 1947.
Doesn't mean that because the Pakistan Army's there it's part of
Pakistan .
But the Americans did find OBL there and kill him and the Pakistan
Army was all around him. So how did the Army not know when the
Americans did? But of course we knew he was there, but we knew him as
Abu Abdullah. If you'd asked us, Do you know where Abu Abdullah is,
we'd have told you. You never did. We wonder why. Was it to make
Pakistan look bad later? You didn't know that he was called Abu
Abdullah? How could you not have known? You expect us to believe
that?
We also thought he was dead. Earlier, well before the Americans
arrived. Why? Because over the last five years we've delivered well
over 72 virgins to that house. So we thought he'd been martyred
already.
We didn't know Abu Abdullah was a Saudi Sheikh. Crescent my heart and
hope to dye, like our President does. We knew OBL was a Saudi Sheikh,
but they only come to Pakistan in the winter to hunt for the houbara.
Bastards in full hawk after bustards. They don't go to Abbottabad,
they go straight to Rahim Yar Khan, so that's where we looked out for
him. All the doctors who treat the young boys there the morning after
are ISI agents, and have asked each one of them if they felt something
holy had entered them the night before. The Sheikh is, as you know, a
holy man. But, alas, they all said that there was nothing holy about
what had been done to them.
We thought we'd dropped enough hints about where Abu Abdullah was.
Abu, abbot - the same root. We said he was a holy man, you said he was
a bad man, so he was a common oxymoron, a bad holy man. That's why we
kept him in Abbot-a-bad. We thought you'd have understood. Where
would you find a malignant evangelist? Churchill. A promiscuous
prioress? Nuneaton . Not our fault if the penny didn't drop. Which
reminds us: could you spare a dime?
Why? Because we are one of the countries hit hardest by global
warming. That's what the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change
says, though it's run by an Indian. And it's happening faster than
anyone anticipated. First the Americans warming up with the baniyas,
and now seals in Abbottabad. What next? We need billions fast. At
least give us the 25 million you put on OBL's head. If we hadn't
looked after him, he'd have died shivering in a cave in Tora-Bora, no
one would have found him, and you wouldn't have been able to pull off
this stunt. So be grateful. That's all we ask.
And now of course you've killed him while he was saying his sehri
prayers. Yes, yes, that's why he didn't have a gun with him. You
know what this means of course. The US President has holy blood on
his hands. Obama sin laden. And then we're told that OBL was taken
out to Carl bin Son and dropped into the sea: that's a giveaway. How
can this Carl be the son of his son? Nonsense. These last rites
carried out in such indecent haste: we know where his body is. He's
been taken to Canter-bury. That's where meddling priests are quickly
buried, aren't they?
Of course we saw the helicopters coming in. Our radar system is the
best in the world. In 1998, just before we tested our bombs, we saw
Israeli ground-attack planes on tarmacs in India that no one else
could see, and told the UN. Ask the Indians if you don't believe us.
So why didn't we shoot the helicopters down? Well you see, like the
rest of you, we knew that Will and Kate hadn't announced where they
were going to honeymoon, and we thought this might be them coming in
on the quiet to give the slip to the paparazzi. Can't blame us, can
you? Abbottabad seems like the sort of place that someone who'd just
been dubbed the Baron Carrickfergus might wish to escape to. (They
can still come, you know. There's a des-res with all the mod-cons
that's just come on the market. Has its own helipad. Lovely place to
get away from it all.)
And of course we knew there was something going on at the compound
that night. You really believe that the ISI wouldn't know if there
was a firefight raging half a mile from our military academy in
Abbottabad, even if we thought that it wasn't in Pakistan . We had a
secure two-way link with Abu Abdullah that the Americans never picked
up. Two empty non-alcoholic beer cans with the tops cut out and tied
with string. So when the Americans came through the door, we heard
him yelling "May Day, May Day". Why didn't we help? Well at first we
thought he was stating the obvious; we knew it was May Day. Then
someone said he was probably speaking in Bengali and asking for girls,
but it was quite late and we didn't think we'd find any.
Why would he be speaking in Bengali? Well you know he has had time
hanging heavy on his hands, and might have wanted to pick up a foreign
language. Besides, this is the 150th birth anniversary of
Rabindranath Tagore, if you didn't know, and OBL looked so like him
that all the jihadis from Bangladesh would fall at his feet and call
him Gurudev. Maybe, who knows, he'd started to believe that he was a
reincarnation. Utterly Hindu of course, and no wonder he got his just
desserts.
Yes, and OF COURSE we picked up the yells of "Geronimo EKIA". You know
it's an Indian name. That's what the Americans say. Always knew he was
an Indian, that bastard. And you know what the SEALs actually
reported, don't you? They said "26/11 Geronimo ne kia". 9/11, 26/11,
all Indian plots. Thank god our good friends the Americans now know
the truth. We've known it all along."
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